my raw heart; please read with care and understanding

let me preface by saying this was very intense for me and might shock you. don't be surprised or conclude anything until you read all of this. thank you.


........so, if you've read from the beginning, you know about the depression, the molestation, and now the ocd. to me, it's just who i am. not until yesterday did i really get the pieces of how they all effect my life interchangably. . . . . . . . . it started off as any other day. except that today my hair is a different color (he, he). none of my clothes match it, but i'll find something. nice shower. nice chai latte. kassidy's up. she gets a quickie shower and then dressed. she looks really cute this morning. i'm glad i can be confident that she looks cute. i'm really not sure how i'll look. get some clothes on, dry my hair. shoes. teeth brushed. make-up in the car. no time to eat, maybe i'll get to eat during sunday school. nope. no one else is eating, even though there are doughnuts and juice. oh, well. two verses stick out and i write them down. isaiah 2:3; if we know our master's feedinng trough we'll get fed the right thing and i'll never starve b/c he cares for me. vs 5; the Lord's tired of disciplining, too. i'm not alone when i feel absolutely worn out for having to work so hard at disciplining doodle and how tired he must be of my disobedience! oh, i love my class! well, on to service, but first to check on kassidy. tension, tension. questions about whether she's going to stay there or be moved around. no time to talk to teacher, gotta go sing, too many people around and leaving. why do people leave after sunday school? what can i do? go practice this morning's song. yeah. i know it. okay, go sit in choir loft. is anybody in the nursery or did they go downstairs. talk to jeanne about it. she's not sure either. she dropped jack off downstairs and then he wasn't there afterwards. i saw him in the nursery with his dad, paul. okay. who's in there? jean, oh, and alli. okay, i see them. they are there. i hope they stay there and don't go down to children's church. service about light and our light. mostly an evangelical service. i hope someone will connect and accept christ this morning. church is over. gotta get kassidy. got her. where's michael? outside i go, there he is. okay, are we eating with anyone? no invites; let's invite judy! she invites us over with eddie and scotty, husband and son. that sounds good. kassidy is excited. good morning thus far! eat lunch. talk with judy. amber, daire and landen come in with tammy. (longer story) meet tammy. talk about tatoos and new personel requirements of no visible tatoos on staff members. what is that?!? on the way home. i talk to michael about whether he talked with mark about the whole nursery thing/children's church thing. yeah. so what's the out come. i don't know. what about the personel committee? what do you mean? (sorry this is confusing) we get home and get kassidy laid down. i try to talk to him again, but i'm really aggitated. i get that hurt in the pit of my being b/c i can't explain and i'm not being heard. i lose it and start hitting my thighs over and over as hard as i can. until i can't anymore and i'm shaking. now, i'm just crying and moaning. start hitting my head. stop and cry some more and rock. i can't get it to go away. michael comes into the bedroom and gets some hangers. i tell him to leave please. he tries to talk, but i simply can't. i can't make sense, all i know is i've got to get rid of the feeling in my stomach. i hit my head some more. he grabs my hands and is on top of me not letting me hurt myself. all i can think is get off. i start screaming and screaming and kicking and doing anything to get him off me. i want to hurt myself. physical pain is the only way to get it to go away. he lets go, but sits on the rocking chair and waits. i'm mad at him now. i can't stand him just watching. i want to kill myself? no, but yes. somebody help me. lord are you there? i'll do anything, anything to get this feeling to go away. help, please. can i call someone? no. it's hopeless. no one can help. no one understands. maybe mark, my counselor. no. yes. michael, will you call? he goes to call. i'm calming but the feeling is still strong. he takes to long. michael don't call. please. i'll just embarass myself. what do i want from him? he'll think i'm just crazy. what if he can't help? then i really am helpless. michael's got him on his cell. and asks if he can talk to me. he asks what's going on? i try to tell him, but start crying all over. he waits paitently. we end up talking it out. at the end i realize, maybe this b/c this. he affirms thats what he had been saying earlier. i agree not to hit myself anymore. (to me, it's always okay to hurt myself, i'm not a threat to others.)

to end. . . . . it seems that deep down, i know from the molesting that when things are too carefree and unstructured bad things can happen. i'm not blaming my parents. but nonetheless, what i experienced was that it was fine for me to go play at a friend's house and that's where it happened. they maybe didn't know the parents well enough, weren't watching enough, weren't there. i don't know, but i feel a need to be there or know the person who is caring for kassidy very well. i need to know exactly where she is and who she is with and what she is being taught. it's very disturbing that i find out after the fact that she's been attending children's church the last two sundays and i had no idea. the girl (19) teaching it, only comes for that and i question whether she's even a believer. i don't know if they have a curriculum or just do what they feel like. it scares me. i expressed concern to michael but he didn't resolve anything nor did he have firm answers for anything. my past taught me to be concerned, but the ocd gives me an intensity that seems very emotional. when things hadn't been really taken care of, i freaked out. i didn't know what to do. instead of that energy going to the problem, when i can't convey my feelings and start hurting myself, michael draws attention to me hurting myself which isn't the real problem and i take attention away from it, but still want it resolved.

.........we were able to talk about all of it before he had to leave for bible study. from now on when i feel that intesity i'm going to clean, walk, jump, until i can be calm enough to handle the real problem. i learned a lot.

i know none of this may make sense to any of you, but i wanted it out there. it really is a huge break through for me. i feel like i understand it so much better. i want to assure you, i'm not crazy and i'm not in danger. i don't want to scare. i would like to ask you to pray for more revelation as i'm on this journey of recovery. hopefully it won't come as painfully next time. oh, it was also huge that i even talked to mark. i've never done that before. usually i just end up with an extreme migraine from crying and hitting in the emergency room and then sleep it off. god really used this for my good though. i look forward to no more of these episodes; i think i've learned the tools to get through it differently. i really can't tell you how different i feel in now understanding the compulsion to hurt myself. i feel so free!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God. He is holy and just and his timing is perfect. I know I'll get to help someone else somehow one day with some of the same problems. I'm really just trying to be open to the whole thing. I really want you to know the real me and what happens, the good, the bad (but God works it to good, so is it really bad?), and the ugly. this was an ugly, turned to beauty!


thank you.
i love you all.