Teaching discipline when you don't have it yourself!

it's a scary thing, this discipline. i'm half way through reading, "The New Strong-Willed Child." i've learned a lot and look forward to reading more of dr. dobson's books. but last night i got scared. i am so undisciplined. i'm not sure where i lost it, but it's gone. i have none. i've been trying all these things: diets, financial books, classes, researching online, etc. nothing has helped. it hasn't b/c i can't stick to it. i know that the fruit of the spirit include self-control. i also know that these are to be grown in us, they just aren't there automatically. anyways, i could use some prayer with this issue. i'm so tired of feeling like a bum or feeling so ugly b/c i don't like the way i look physically. i just haven't been willing to do anything about it except complain and get down on myself. well, it's time to kick this in the butt. i'm doing whatever it takes. of course satan doesn't want that and already hit me hard. i'm giving up naps for awhile as part of getting my butt into gear. yesterday kassidy started running a fever and would only drink things, no eating. last night it got to 102.2 and she barely slept. i barely slept with her, so today i played catch up when i could. please pray that she will sleep and that i will be self-disciplined enough to go to bed early, so i can get through the next day. also, i have to start exercising. i'm joining curves b/c i do better having some accountability and someplace to go. i've also bought a new workout to do other days. i'm actually excited about feeling more energetic once i get used to the regime. i just know myself and when i don't see the results i think i should get, i'll get bummed and say, "what's the point?" it's not about the size or the weight. it's more about being who i know god's created me to be. i want to run with my girl and play with her. i want to play with the dog (once we get a house and she can live with us!) and not get winded easily. i think that some of my health problems are from my weight and i'm looking forward to less trips to the doctor. i know what i have to do, i just have to do it. what i'm asking from y'all is to pray that god will kick me into shape no matter how much it hurts, b/c i'm tired of giving into my sinful self. pray that his will be done in me and through me. part of being a doula is being fit enough to be up for a lot of hours and able to push on a back, or hold the mother's weight as she squats, pushes, etc. i know i wouldn't make it right now. i have two births in sept. i've got to get moving. but, even now i feel so overwhelmed. i think that just a little progress would be enough to get me going. i just pray that it'll happen and that i'm aware enough to see it. oh, the whole food thing is a huge struggle. i'm not sure, but i think that during my third trimester i lost control of my eating. i gained too much weight at the end. (maybe due to the stress of the fire, but maybe due to me) i tried to get it off, and succeeded for a bit, but then platuaed. i gave up after that and said, "whatever." it's stuck. i think i watch what i'm eating, but then give in to whatever i want. some friends of ours are great, but they (admittedly) eat poorly and still do okay with their weight. after hanging out w/them for awhile i've adopted their eating, but it affects me. michael struggles in the same areas, so we aren't very strong for each other. plus, he struggles with remembering that it's not his job to keep me happy, so he tries what he knows works - ice cream. i don't know, i just need some accountabiliy from ya'lls and some serious prayers. i want to be serious this time. i don't want to write a month from now that i'm getting serious again, then again, then again, then hey, i'm dead at an early age, b/c i didn't take care of this body. it's a gift. i should care for it like it's as valuable as it is. anyways, i love you guys. thanks for taking the time to read. i really enjoy this space to be real and get help, advice, responses, prayer, from those i love. it's great!

oh, kassidy has another virus. she threw up today and is running a fever still. i hope it's not what she had two weeks ago? !! oh, and i'm supposed to chaperone a youth trip next week to NKU. it's a mission camp. i'm dreading going so much. i'll tell ya'll more later, but it's not the youth, it's the leaders going. i've had some problems, and i'm just not comfortable going. plus, now with kassidy sick, us trying buy a house and then move soon, it's just crazy. i'm about to cry just thinking of going. i don't want to bail, but i don't want to go. things were totally different when i said yes to going, then changed dramatically. i don't know what to do. any advice? (kati, since you're a youther's wife, how would you feel if i backed out?) there is really high tension with me whenever i am around this person. it's awful. i talked to her about the situation just a little after it happened, but got blown off. she acts as though nothing has changed. i can't make eye contact with her, so she must have some idea, or else she's ignoring it or just oblivious to reading people. my heart just breaks b/c i don't know what to do. i've prayed and prayed and no real answers have come. i don't want to act too soon or just leave it alone. what do you do when you've been hurt so badly and then have to face a whole week away from your family and with this other person. please help if you can. michael doesn't want me to go, but i feel like i can't just not go b/c he doesn't want me to. but then again, i'm to obey my husband. i'm completely at a loss in so many areas of my life. it's time i kicked satan out of my mind and took back what's mine - what's god's. god doesn't create chaos, so why do i feel so chaotic?

HELP. . . .please?