so i feel completely guilty about not writing, but honestly i don't know what to write. things have been so.....UGH! i don't even know the why, how, or anything! the last two days i spent battling a migraine that would not go away with any medicines and all i could do was lie around and try to be a part of my family. i had to call in, which is so frowned upon in the medical field. the whole time, i was thinking, thinking, thinking and i couldn't even write any of it down to try to sort through it all. i am stressed, to the extent it's showing physically. with the migraine, being late, having a rash and itching in general all over. i don't know what to do. i try to talk to michael and i just come off mad and get more irritated, so i just shut up. i think i need time, but with time i'm not doing anything. friends are around and i know i should reach out, but i feel like a burden when they have things going on in their lives. i know god is there, but i'm so not there with him right now. i want to crying, but that will make me more sick. and really the tears aren't there. i'm tired. tired of this house. tired of not having community. tired of no history here. all the friends i have locally i've known less than 3 years and am losing touch with most. my best friends locally are moving to georgia. we want to move to germany to pay off all our debt so we can be closer to my family. two years just seems so far away. i have to say goodbye to my cats that i love. and i don't even know they will be well cared for. and for what? health. i have never been healthy my whole life (or should i say felt well.) i'm tired of it all. i hate cleaning and feeling it's never clean enough. i hate feeling like everything is broken and there is no way to fix it. i've been driving for 2 months with my windshield wipers up b/c they won't go down. for one, it bothers my line of sight, and two i'm embarassed by it. but why should i be? we are throwing everything we have to getting out of debt so we can move to ohio. where do you draw the line? does it look like i'm poor to drive with broken windshield wipers? i've thought that, so why wouldn't other people? who was i to judge by appearances anyways? i know better and act like i don't, but i do and try to hide the fact? why should anyone love me? why should god love me? he has no reason. none. he just chose to, but i want him to be mad at me. i want him to take it back so i have no reason to live up to his standards. but as it is, he does love me and i let him down time after time. i'm so confused.

i love all who have prayed for me and kept checking on me. please keep praying my mind will kick back in gear, soon?

oh, and i was wondering if in february we could all get together for a girl's nite? we are coming up for christmas with family when tim and bethany get back from ok. i thought maybe we could squeeze some time in too. i just need it. or i don't know. this weekend i work and next i don't. maybe we could do something that weekend? love ya