stuck

so, i'm feeling really stuck in my life right now. my mind keeps going a mile a minute - all the time, but i just feel like there's nothing to do about any of it. this happens about every other month. i just get so overwhelmed by everything in my life. you in general psych when you took that test about stressors, well for the last 6 years, my number has been consistently high. i'm begining to wonder if it's me creating the stressors. it's not all bad stress, just lots of changes, continually. like moving, marriage, job changes, having a baby, having a fire, my depression flare-ups, and losing loved ones. i'm not having a pity party, i just wonder if there's something i can do about it. sometimes i look at the people around me and think they have it easy. but you know, god designed each of us differently and what is very stressful for someone may not even affect me and vice versa. i wish that life didn't seem to revolve around money. everything takes it. even ministry has to be paid for. encouraging letters have to be written on something and mailed, even encouraging blogs have to be paid for access. i'd really like to just forget about it. sometimes i do. i just let everything go, which i don't recommend, but then i have to spend a couple of weeks catching up. we aren't very good at keeping a budget. i have all the best of intentions, but i'm not really sure how to set it all up. like the whole envelope thing. you have to have the money to put it in there to take it out. we went through a class at church, but the lady had to stop meeting with us at the very end which is where it taught you how to put into practice the principles learned. i feel so stupid when it comes to finances. i hate it. i hate being uncontent (is that a word, if not what is the word?). buying a new house is making me feel like our stuff isn't good enough for the house. i want to buy all new stuff. but we don't have money to do that. i mean like the little stuff, like a hose, we can handle, but i'd like to have a dining room table, a new couch, new bathroom stuff, new decorations. that's just not feasible, though. plus, even if it were, i truly believe that my money could be better spent for those who need neccessities. my stuff works, it may not look pretty, but we can sit on our couch, we can watch our tv, we can sleep in our bed. why do i think i need more? i want contentment. i want whatever god wants to bless me with, but i want him to bless me with more. how arrogant am i? he's already done so much, all he never had to do, by giving me saving grace in sending his son to rescue me from the grasp of hell and seperation from him eternally. who am i to ask for more?

on a more postive note, i'm learning how to let him be my strength and not only asking for strength. i wrote to someone, cindy i think, how i was reading a historical fictional book written about kings, in the bible. last night what i read included this, "'And you allow the Lord to be your strength. Remember - the Lord doesn't give you strength, Hezekiah. He is your strength.'" That just hit home with me. So often i just ask him for strength, for love, for patience, when he is those things and i have to only move aside and let him be.

thanks for letting me just write. i'm not sure it all made sense, but i just needed this outlet.
i love you