its been so long...

...i really don't know what to post. how do i catch up? i guess today will suffice. i have the day off. haven't done anything other than taking kassidy to preschool. tomorrow is her last day with ms. jenny. i'm sad for her. i know she will miss her incredibly this summer and doesn't really understand that next year will be different. that's a really hard concept for a four year old. but, we did figure out yesterday that she does get another difficult concept, that of empathy. we were watching the food network challenge of disney pixar cakes. the guy who had monsters, inc. lost his door during the creating time and then when he went to move sulley and mike, mike started to fall and he was trying to support it and then sulley went over on top of him. kassidy said, "oh, i feel sorry for that man and his cake falling over." michael and i started talking about how that isn't usually a statement a younger child would make. i guess maybe a four year old would? i really don't know. but it just shows me how old she is really getting. she's become so independent as of late. we went to the indianapolis children's museum on saturday. she had so much fun. i think she might turn into an artist. the last thing we did was an animation exhibit. she decided to wait her turn to trace at a lit table that had characters on it. She drew the ninja turtle with the sword, donatello? she did so well. i took pictures of her concentrating so hard. she didn't finish it...we would have been there for an hour, but what she did, she did very well. all the other kids had come and gone. she just went along oblivious. it was so precious. i was thrilled, not b/c she likes drawing, but b/c i feel like i'm able to see a glimpse of her future and who she will be. and i'm not the one telling her she can or can't do something, but just supporting her interests.

okay, so back to being off today. i'm off in more ways than one. i have so many things running through my brain, i cannot concentrate on anything. so many questions, no answers. i've been sick lately with an upper respiratory infection and the doctor wants me to start allergy shots yesterday to help with getting sick so often. i'm so congested i hear a roaring in my ears constantly, so it doesn't help me think anything through. w/o going into detail, several of my foundational beliefs have been rocked this spring. it's made me very indecisive and confused. i know god is not the author of confusion, but what do you do to get it to stop? praying isn't doing it, faith isn't, reading isn't. i feel like i'm just waiting for something unknown to happen. i feel so lost. like i'm wandering around an open field under the night sky and have no where to go and the stars are just out of my reach and everywhere else i turn i see weeds. the word hopeless comes to mind, however in a new light than the meaning it's held for me in the past. i have a few hopes, but feel completely detoured as to getting to them. i have no idea which steps to take, which turn is the right one, or even if i should want what i want. am i in the right field, even? (sidenote: can you tell i live in ky?)

gotta go, some little fingers are knocking on the door.