a confession...

so, i said i wasn't worried, but now, i don't know. it's not that i'm worried about surgery. i've had a lot. all but one outpatient. this is suppossed to be the same. if they have to "connect the dots" and cut to get my gall bladder out, i'll have to stay a night, but otherwise it's in and out even with hernia repair. but i've become a very anxious person the last year. i've talked about my stress rash, i think, and now i've got it again in 4 places. michael is convinced that it is spreading by my itching, but i'm not so sure. it pops up sometimes in two places at once and lasts forever. i have bruises from scratching so hard. i'm not sure it's stress and not just something i'm allergic to, but i am stressed out. everytime i think about waiting in the pre-surgery room i start to freak out, my pulse gets faster, i breathe heavier, etc. it was the same when i had my colonoscopy/endoscopy. i'm going to ask my doctor if they can give me something when i arrive to help with the waiting. i think just knowing it's there will hopefully ease the tension. who knows?

on another note, please pray that i get this new job I've applied for. it's a nurse's assistant in the bardstown school district. mostly clerical like keeping up everyone's medical forms. i'm so excited about it, i can't stand it. it would mean no more driving to l-ville. no more every other weekend. i'd have the same schedule as kassidy and michael pretty much (ie. fall break, christmas break, spring break, and summer!) it's a full time position, plus, i'd still get to see kassidy in the morning before she goes to school and then in the afternoon. as it is now, i leave way before either of them are up and i'd only see her on my off days to help get her ready. and she's a very sweet girl in the morning. very cuddly. plus, overall, i wouldn't be on my feet all day and i wouldn't have to move people all the time. shouldn't be much heavy lifting and i like clerical work. it would be better for my ankle and hiatal hernia. therefore making me a much more pleasant person. also, michael is applying one last year for teaching positions and there is an opening in the district at kassidy's school. her principal emailed michael and apparently they are looking for another asst. principal b/c they have 11 kindergarten classes next year on top of already interviewing him for an ebd position. (he already was interviewing for the ebd) it's not posted yet and they asked if he'd be interested in interviewing for it. with both of us working in the district we'd pay like $7 for health insurance! a month. he'd be kassidy's asst. principal too! plus, it would be great experience getting to work with another principal instead of just learning a new job w/o anyone to ask what they do, etc. i don't know. it all just seems too good to be true. and therefore, i immeadiately assume it won't happen. i know god has a plan, but it never seems to work out how we wish, or easily. michael has had such trouble with losing jobs due to numbers. every summer we spend waiting to see what might happen in another district. we have written off moving up in this district b/c it's a "good ol' boy" system. meaning if you aren't grown here or kin to someone who is, you don't get in. we've seen it happen enough to be sick. and not that we are hoping we are bardstown people now and it's benefiting us, it's just that i'm tired of the heartbreak. i'm tired of fighting for what is right and not just for us. however much it seems it is us. i've really had to fight to keep my sanity. when all of it happens to you over and over you begin to think that it might be you and not the system. it might be me and not the "friends" i thought i had. i'm tired of being burned. i don't want to be synical. i don't want to be stagnant. but i'm afraid that might be all that's left.

ok. not sure what, if any, of that makes sense. but i love y'all.

and chrissi, we have a skype account. i don't know how to use it, but i can learn ;)