Surprise!!

So, yes, I'm still around. I know it's been such a long time. I appologize.

Things have been completely crazy! I'm still a home-based business owner. Things have been moving more slowly than I would want, but I'm getting there. (who wouldn't want to jump in and make more moneyright away?) I'm not giving up. Slow and steady will win this race. I'm even gaining confidence from it. It's making me be more outgoing and make eye contact with people. I lost a lot of self-confidence first with the weight I gained and kept after being pregnant. (I didn't keep it because I love it, I just had entitlement issues I think.) Then, with the whole abuse thing I went even farther down. I've been climbing my way out one toehold at a time. I can finally see light ahead. None of it was an excuse, it's just where I let myself end up. I lost sight of so much. Literally, some days it was all I could do to stay alive. Now, I'm finally able to look past living to living well. I want what I went through to mean something and the only way I know how to do that is to use it. For motivation. For relation. For whatever God wants me to. I believe all things we experience have a purpose and God works those things for good. Even if I see them as "bad" I know I have to keep an eternal perspective. Thinking about eternal things keeps me from looking at myself too much and what matters to me. It's not about what matters to me or to anyone else. It's only about God. He is truth. I'm finding some of what I thought was true in belief wasn't true for me in actions or thoughts. One truth that has changed a lot of my perspectives is "God is enough." I've always agreed to that. "Yes, God is all there is when it boils down. . . " I always threw in a "but" that negated what I just agreed to. " ...but, I need this job, my husband, my family, my child, my health." I was wrong. God, in and of Himself is enough. It profoundly changed the way I've been living. Things have actually gotten harder in my life as of late. Not only did I start my own business, Michael also resigned from youth minister at our church, only to find out our pastor was really pushing us out for someone else. My heart has been bruised more than I care to share with anyone. Yet, I know it doesn't matter. God is it for me. If I lost everything He would be enough. Job knew this. Look at the hell on earth he went through. If he didn't know that God was enough, he'd have caved. But he didn't. He went on knowing God was God. He was just, fair, and more than enough. I guess since learning this it's been really put into practice. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared that I'll do something inappropriate. (Like hit my pastor if he touches me because I can't stand him.) I'm scared of losing more than a little income. I'm scared of losing my house. I'm scared I'll never wake up and feel good. I'm scared of taking medication my whole life. I'm scared of so much more. Even the things that matter the most, my husband, daughter, and family. I'm scared that if I write them down something will happen. ( I know I'm not that powerful, but in my experience the things I try to hold onto most, I lose.) I'm even scared of what people will think. Yet after it all, I'm most scared of losing God. But I'm not scared because I know He won't lose me. The most important thing in life is taken care of. He made the sacrifice and I accepted gratefully and humbly. I know there's nothing I can do with out Him. He won't give me more than I can handle, so my life is fair. Whatever happens to me; God loves me and that's enough.

Kassidy is still growing and talking more and more. I look forward to all the babies friends of mine are expecting. I can't wait for some to join motherhood and for others to go back to baby days. Children really are a blessing as Proverbs says.

I covet prayers right now. I'm trying to revamp what's grown to be my life and I think I've been trying to do it in and of myself. Without God's strength it's just not going to happen. I need clear direction, application, and lots of encouragement. I feel like I'm by myself, so I'm trying to reach out more. Start some new things and let go of some old. Thank you to those who still check and are willing to read a long post. It's a blessing knowing you've read this far and that you love me. Leave a comment or send a email please to let me know you checked. It would mean a lot. Plus, I miss y'all.

In leiu of a typical wish for "peace" I'd like to leave you with a wish to worship.