The revelation everyone should have

things have gone better today as far as sleep. the movie was good. i enjoyed the action and the banter btw husband and wife. it turned out to be harder to see it than i thought though. it wasn't sold out at the 7:30 showing, but the only seats were the first two rows, so we got tickets for the 10 showing. however, we had to pick up kassidy at our friends' house, bring her home, and arrange for the sitter to give her a bath and put her to bed and then travel back to the theatre. (it's 20 min. to bardstown, where the theatre is.) we got there not early like we had wanted, but it wasn't as full. so, anyways, we had a good night.
the revelation.......well, let me start it at the beginning. it all started with a much needed break and trip to gatlinburg without my family. things had been pretty bad with my depression and michael decided that maybe a trip away would be good for me. (for those who don't know, i have major depression. i'm doing well on a new medication, and i'm in counseling) so, he made the arrangements, i called some mom friends of mine and we were off. i hadn't spent a night away from kassie, yet, so i was pretty worried, but so excited! (it turned out that i missed michael more than kassidy, which i hadn't expected! ha! not that i didn't miss her, I DID!) well on the way home we got to talking about demon holds on people. not demon posession (sp), but christians who have a demon holding on to them. like lies you've believed about yourself when you were younger and now they have a foothold on you today. so we came to the topic of theophostic counseling and i realized that nothing else seemed to last with helping with my depression. i should try it. little did i realize that god was setting me up for drastic changes, and i'm glad i didn't know what was coming b/c i would have resisted and bucked and drug it out. i came home and talked to michael about it, hoping he would understand my desire to try it. i had a book that dr. ed smith, the one who founded theophostic, had given at a seminar about it. i asked michael to read it and see what he thought. he didn't want to open me up to more harm than good and wanted to research it before jumping in. i understood. i decided to read it myself. one night just a couple of days after getting back from my trip, i couldn't really sleep, so i got it out and began reading. out of nowhere i remembered being molested by a childhood friend's step-father. i didn't know what to do. it was so real i could feel it happening. i woke michael up and told him what had happened and just cried. the most distrubing thing was remembering just now. it was as if i didn't know myself anymore. i had lied to myself all this time and just now i remember? what is that? we talked, we prayed, i called my mom to see if i had ever told her anything- i hadn't. (mom, if you're reading this, i couldn't figure out a way to bring this up in convo.) i had decided that until i got a handle on this that i wouldn't share with anyone, except a few close people who could help. one being my pastor's wife. she had been sexually abused for 15yrs. and also has depression. i felt that she could at least relate. she assured me that it was normal for us to repress things and remember them in our 20s. she is still having new memories. that at least helped me not feel so crazy. she encouraged michael to meet with troy, her husband/our pastor, to get some advice on how to handle this as a husband. it was amazing how much i could already connect back to this incident. sherry could describe our relationship to the "t". it was odd, but nice that all marriages weren't necessarily so hard. i thought there was something severely wrong with me for some of the things i would do or feel. turns out it's semi-normal for people who have been abused. i never knew. so, how to deal? i began eating like crazy, zoning out on the computer and ignoring my daughter for most of the day. i was not doing well. i went to my doctor, told her what was going on and she changed my medication. i got in contact with my counselor in c-ville and asked what he thought about theophstic and if he thought it would be a good idea. we decided to do it, but only if michael could meet with the person first to get a feel of their beliefs. i put off calling and put it off. finally i did call and then i never called back b/c it didn't work for michael. i felt stupid and put off calling again. praise god for accountability! troy kept calling me to say he was praying for me and thinking of me and to see if had i called lou (female lou). well one day i bit the bullet and called her back. we set up a day that michael could go with me and we went. we were both excited b/c things really couldn't get much worse.
things went great! what it was , was a prayer ministry. basically she prayed and talked to me while god revealed what he would to me. she simply led me so i could hear him speak to me. it was so awesome!!!!!! during the session god took me to the cross and said i love you this much, come here child and let me. i could feel his arms around me - broken as i was, unworthy, sinful, hurt as i was and held me. HE LOVES ME!!!!!!!!! it had been along time. i've been close to him, i've heard his voice, i've obeyed, but never had i felt that love as complete as it is, as he is. it has changed my whole life. everything in my pasy has a different light to it. i still have some issues that he has yet to shine his truth on, but i'm getting there. even if i never arrive, i'll never forget what i felt/saw/heard/knew that day.
michael has seen the difference and so have i, actually. just as an example, i've been wanting to become a doula for quite awhile, but put it out of my mind. last week, i took the initiative, i googled it, i made contact, and now i'm on my way. i'm not sure when i've had so much excitement and initiative. i feel like myself again. i'm not always looking for michael's flaws or when i get down - to see if i can push him to leave me. he never has even hinted at such, but i had this notion of being abandoned and thought that eventually he would. it doesn't matter anymore. god won't. that's the truth of it. i have married an incredible man. not for what he's done, but for what he's allowed god to do through him. in god's strength, he's always been there, even when i know he probably didn't want to be and was hurting so badly himself. i know i've said it a bunch, but praise jesus that he could see past what was happening at the moment and love me.
y'all i've got to go now, i've almost written a novel, but i want you to know that i love you. god loves you. not with some intangible love, either. if you ask him, he'll show you. don't analyze it, just let it happen. trust yourself to hear his voice. he speaks so clearly. in my experience, satan has always used doubt. if you ask, you'll know when it's him. if you doubt, check it against his word. he won't contradict himself. please get to know this love, this god, this jesus. it's precious and will change your life.